It seems I can’t go a week with hearing about the growing obesity epidemic developing in this country.
If these news reports are anything to go by, by the time I’m 40 I’m going to be one of approximately 7 people in Australia who isn’t dangerously overweight.
This presents several disturbing economic issues. The most obvious of which is that the country’s medical costs will sky rocket, what with everyone needing triple bypass surgery every other week and all.
Now, since I never have any food it’s almost certain that I won’t suffer from obesity. Because I’ll be one of the only Australians who won’t have to struggle to breathe I’m practically assured the top job of Prime Minister.
This works out quite nicely for me as I plan to be quite outraged when taxes skyrocket in order to pay the nation’s liposuction waste removal bill.
So here’s my first piece of policy: The Fat Tax. It’s a bit more like a levy really. Basically if you’re fat you give me money.
The benefits of this plan are two fold: First of all the revenue raised from Fat Tax goes towards paying the medical costs and secondly lard-arses will have less money to spend on Cheese and Fat flavoured Cheetos.
If that doesn’t work we can always just ship everyone off to Third World countries. If anyone accuses us of cannabalism we can just tell them it’s…uh…International Weight Redistribution Policy. Closing the everwidening fat gap.
Remember you heard it here first, folks.